PENANCE

SIX REASONS NOT TO CALL YOUR PSEUDO-EX

Before I reveal the Top Reasons Not to Call Your Pseudo-Ex, lets first define what a pseudo-ex is!

The Pseudo-Ex, much like the Ex, has ripened, rotted, fallen, and re-composted itself back to the earth. However, the fall is more graceful for the Pseudo-Ex because it occurs intra-psychically.  In other words – its all in your head because the "relationship" strictly speaking, was all in your head.   The Pseudo-Ex is one who had potential and could have been the father of your future gorgeous children who would then go on to Stanford and Yale Law, or perhaps Juilliard or  even Trump University.   

The Pseudo-Ex has the ability to bring unfiltered, boundless, feel-good moments to your dull, colorless working-class life.  Until you are forced, usually by the Pseudo-Ex himself, to accept that this is never going anywhere, and you were pretty stupid to ever believe it was. So when the fall suddenly occurs, and almost 99.9% of the documented cases of Pseudo-Exdom do occur suddenly and without warning, your vision unexpectedly clears, and your brain regains its proper functioning.  

 You will notice that I am only referring to Pseudo-Exes in the masculine.  This is because it is still questionable whether women qualify as Pseudo-Exes because men don't seem to get attached to any woman other than their mothers and possibly their daughters,  but only if they are exceptional men – and we all realize, exceptional men are few and far between, don't we? Yes, we do.

So, here then, are the top 6 reason not to call your Pseudo-Ex:

1.  His body wasn't really all that!

So, now that he has chosen to move on, you start to remember how his bony frame hurt your rib cage when he hugged you the first time you met (remember, you only get to meet Pseudo-Exes once or twice.)  Or, maybe your man was so overweight, that if you had had sex with him, he may have had a heart attack and crushed you! Good thing you didn't indulge.

 2.   That other guy you've been having intermittent-can't-find-a-real-man-sex with for the past 2 years might hit it big after all?                   

You know? The Other Guy that you have been having sex with off and on after every Pseudo-Ex break-up?  (Lets call him Other Guy because it wouldn't be prudent to say he's your Boyfriend because he just doesn't fit that role in your life, and probably never will.)   The one who's been in prison, and doesn't pay his child support unless his check is garnished, doesn't wear deodorant because its just another way for the government to control the Black Man, and the last job he had was 15 years ago, technically. Yeah, that guy.    But he assures you,  every few months when you meet up,  that he is just about to have a breakthrough. Well, he may actually get broke off a piece and if you try to make it official with Pseudo-Ex, this Other Guy won't give you a piece of his winnings.  Oops! 

3.   Pseuedo-Ex has a cat.

You have allergies – Oh well.  That was easy! 

4.   His political views don't match well with yours.

Attempting to get back together, or rather, really together,  with a Pseudo-Ex whose beliefs are not congruent with yours would be a disaster! Think of all the arguing every time you have to vote, or every time Pseudo-Ex should vote.  He thinks it makes no sense to vote because the Illuminati got it all settled anyway.  Yeah, that's real?

 5.   "Bitch, you only seen that Motherfucker twice!  What is wrong with you!"

One very important point about Pseudo-Exes – never, ever tell your sisters that you have a potential Pseudo-Ex in your life because they will go off on your ass!   Especially not your older sister, you know, the one who never really got her shit together, and has 5 babies by 4 different dudes, and got herself off Welfare 5 years ago, decided to go back to college and is graduating summa cum laud in a few weeks, so now she Really does know everything!

 6.   Maybe Pseudo-Ex was meant for someone else, and you were meant for....I don't know

Everything happens for a reason.  Maybe Pseudo-Ex was meant for a widow with a son, who had a very difficult birth and had to get an episiotomy.  What if Pseudo-Ex's "package" matches her "equipment" better than he would match yours?  Your tiny equipment might rupture just thinking of his package!   Or,  what if Pseudo-Ex was really meant for a lonely little chick who lives alone in her mother's basement?  Lonely Chick has never had sex so the fact that Pseudo-Ex is a really passionless lover would make no difference to Lonely Chick.  They get married, and they have a son who winds up becoming a scientist who discovers a cure for substance abuse.  Its possible, right?